“But there’s no space for emotions in the office!”
This was a statement I received during a recent corporate training that Rubini and I conducted.
It reflects a belief that many people hold: that emotions and professional communication should remain separate.
At work, we are often expected to focus on tasks, follow instructions and deliver results. Speaking openly about feeling anxious, confused, frustrated or overwhelmed may be seen as unnecessary, uncomfortable or even unprofessional.
But emotions do not disappear when we enter the workplace.
They affect how we speak, how we respond to feedback and how other people interpret our words. Even when an emotion is not named, it can still be heard in our tone, seen in our body language and felt by the people around us.
This is why communication is such an important part of organisational wellbeing.
Across our corporate wellbeing programmes on psychological safety, resilience building and emotional intelligence, we frequently see participants struggle with one question:
How can we communicate what we feel without blaming someone or creating defensiveness?
One technique we introduce is called an I-message.
An I-message is a structured way of expressing an emotion, connecting it to a specific situation and making a clear request. It is designed to help people give feedback or ask for clarification without immediately causing the listener to feel accused or attacked.
When participants first see this format, many are surprised. Some reject it because explicitly naming an emotion at work feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
Their responses often include:
“I don’t think I can mention my emotions.”
“My boss will look at me as if something is wrong with me if I speak about my emotions.”
“Why can’t I just go ahead with what needs to be done? Do I really need to speak about my emotions?”
What Is an I-Message?
The format I recommend for giving feedback or asking for clarification is:
I feel [your emotion] when [the incident happens].
Can I request [your desired outcome]?
For example:
I feel overwhelmed when I am interrupted during a discussion. Can I request that you allow me to finish speaking before responding?
This structure helps the speaker explain their experience without immediately accusing or blaming the listener.
It allows someone to communicate three things clearly:
- What they are feeling
- What happened to make them feel that way
- What they need or would like to happen next
Rather than saying:
“You keep interrupting me. That’s rude.”
The speaker can explain the impact of the situation and make a clear request.
We Do Not Leave Our Emotions at Home
What most of us forget is that we do not leave our emotions at home when we come to work.
For many years, emotions have been treated as a distraction from productivity. As capitalism rose, more people were recruited for the purpose of increasing productivity.
Large corporations needed people who could follow instructions, complete tasks and deliver KPIs.
This work culture created success and high productivity, but it eventually began affecting the human factor needed to run an organisation successfully.
People were expected to continue performing regardless of whether they felt anxious, frustrated, confused, afraid or overwhelmed.
We began behaving as though we were not affected by emotions at work.
But we are.
We are human beings, not machines.
Even when we do not speak about our emotions, they still affect the way we communicate.
Emotions Are Our Internal Compass
Emotions are essentially our internal compass. They guide us towards understanding what is happening within us and around us.
One of my favourite questions to ask participants during our wellbeing training is:
“Do you think there are good and bad emotions?”
Many people answer:
“Yes!”
However, emotions are signals that our system gives us. They demand our attention and encourage us to act.
There are no inherently good or bad emotions.
For example, anxiety may be telling us that we feel uncertain or unsafe. Frustration may indicate that something is blocking us from reaching an important goal. Sadness may show that we have experienced disappointment or loss.
The emotion itself gives us information. What matters is how we understand and respond to it.
Understanding the Emotional Quadrant
I usually categorise emotions using a simple emotional quadrant.
The quadrant looks at two things:
- whether an emotion feels pleasant or unpleasant
- whether it carries high or low energy
Recognising which part of the quadrant we fall into, without worrying about whether the emotion is good or bad, is the first step towards understanding our emotions.
The next step is to see whether we are able to move into the green zone as our default state.
In this framework, the green zone represents emotions that generally feel pleasant and calm, such as feeling relaxed, peaceful or content.
The red zone represents high-energy and unpleasant emotions, such as anger, anxiety, fear or frustration. Being in the red zone does not make someone bad or unprofessional. It simply means they may need to pause and regulate their emotions before responding.
Emotional regulation means recognising what we feel and managing how we respond, rather than reacting automatically.
If we are unable to regulate our emotions, we may need support.
Without this basic understanding, communication becomes more difficult.
How Emotions Change the Way a Message Is Received
Let’s take a common statement we might make at work:
“Please review this and ensure there are no more errors.”
Can you put yourself in the green zone and say this?
Now compare how it might sound if you were saying it while in the red zone.
Although the words have not changed, the tone and body language may sound very different.
Now imagine the listener, who has no idea what emotion you are experiencing.
They may feel attacked and become defensive because they can sense your frustration but do not understand what is causing it.
The red zone happens regularly at work because people face deadlines, uncertainty, conflicting expectations and heavy workloads.
These situations can trigger anxiety, fear or frustration.
As we can clearly see, we cannot leave these emotions at home and arrive at work without them.
We are not robots.
This is why we need to learn how to communicate our emotions and create a safe space for ourselves and for others who are trying to express what they feel.
How I-Messages Support Clearer Communication
By using an i-message, a person can communicate their emotions objectively because they are connecting the emotion to a specific incident.
They are also making a clear request to the listener.
This reduces the need for the listener to guess what is wrong.
Instead of focusing on the speaker’s tone or wondering whether they are being blamed, the listener can focus on the actual situation and the request being made.
An i-message does not only help you communicate your emotions and needs.
It can also help the listener become more receptive to what you are saying.
Examples of I-Messages at Work
When You Need Clarification
I feel confused by the remark you made about my presentation. Can I request more clarification about what needs to be amended, please?
This explains the emotion, identifies the situation and asks for specific guidance.
When You Receive Too Many Instructions
I feel anxious when too many instructions come my way at the same time. Can I request that everyone write them in an email thread so I can consolidate the information and plan my work accordingly?
This does not accuse anyone of being unreasonable.
It explains the problem and offers a practical solution.
When You Receive Criticism Without Guidance
I feel hopeless when I am constantly criticised without receiving suggestions for improvement. Can you please tell me where I need to improve?
This allows the speaker to address the impact of repeated criticism while asking for constructive feedback.
These examples communicate the speaker’s emotions without placing blame on the listener.
They also connect the emotion to a specific situation and provide a clear action the listener can take.
Are I-Messages Practical in the Workplace?
So, do you think i-messages are practical?
Some people may still say no.
Perhaps this is because we are not used to organising our thoughts before we speak.
The format may feel strange at first because it asks us to slow down, identify what we are feeling and make a thoughtful request instead of immediately reacting or giving instructions.
Perhaps we think it will make us sound unnatural.
Or perhaps we are simply finding reasons not to change because change requires effort, and our brains often seek the path of least resistance.
I am only here to tell you that nothing will change by itself until you try something new.
If you feel stuck at work because other people do not understand you, or because you do not know how to give feedback without offending someone, why not try using an i-message?
Why not allow yourself to express your emotions at work objectively?
It may feel unnatural the first few times.
That does not mean it is ineffective.
It may simply mean you are learning a new way to communicate.
Psychological Safety at Work Starts With Communication
Psychological safety means creating an environment where people feel able to speak honestly, ask questions, make mistakes and raise concerns without fear of humiliation or punishment.
You may be the first person in your organisation to begin communicating this way.
However, you never know the impact you may create by making it safer for yourself and your colleagues to express what they are experiencing.
Psychological safety at work starts with you when you take the right action.
Would you?